Being a mother - November 2013
Being a mother these last 7 months has been a amazing time and also an intense process in letting go. Letting go of this little being that grew inside of me and that I held as close to my heart as possible. The birth process was a first invitation to let him go and welcome him in this physical world. That day he truly made our world a better place.
The feeling of being one has been very intense every since. From his first moments in the physical realm I held him as close as possible every moment, day and night, carried him everywhere in order to provide the best possible safe environment for him to ground and to fully come into this world.
Gradually, as he enters the 2nd chakra development phase, the process of separation slowly continues this time driven by his longing to explore the world around him. His world today obviously doesn’t consist only of his mother anymore, there is a bigger world outside him and he is eager to discover it. It is beautiful to witness his excitement.
And together with his longing to explore the world, I can feel my soul’s longing to restart my healing work. The challenge for me is now to integrate this new part of me, being a mother, into the fullness of my being and finding a balance between being a mother, being a partner, being a healer and being the woman I am, with my own needs and longings.
So I intended to bring my baby to daycare and start working again. However, when sitting there in the midst of 10 babies and their care takers I suddenly had a very strong feeling that this was not the place for a 6,5 month old baby to be. His place is to be close to his mother and a feeling of enormous grief came over me. I touched into a bigger template of sadness, a global template of mothers and their babies separated at a too young age, something which is very common in our society, yet does not feel natural at all. I felt like being squeezed into a too narrow template. That evening I cried a lot, I felt miserable and when going to bed that night I prayed for a solution.
The morning after I woke up, determined that my son would not go to daycare. I would start working again while taking care of my baby, I would be a conscious mother, whatever that may be. While this idea first gave me lots of strength, it also put lots of pressure on me, and again I felt squeezed into a template not fitting me. I was desperately willing to take into account my baby’s needs, but what about my own needs? What about time for myself? What about self care? I sat with this for several days, feeling fully into each possibility and considering every option inviting a suitable solution. Suddenly the dark cloud opened up and I went back to daycare from a different, more complete place. I am grateful for the sweet nannies, who supported me patiently in this process, without forcing me into any direction.
The challenge for me was to explore my feelings about daycare and allowing the sadness, let go of any judgment and take into account both my baby’s and my needs. To be rational and to listen to my longing, after all, what example would I be ignoring my soul’s longing? A smooth compromise presented itself and since 2 weeks now I bring my baby to daycare for 12 hours a week. What a relief this option brings, it allows me to work more while we still have plenty of time to spent together, so that we can separate gently at our own pace.
In the end, this is what conscious decision making is all about for me. Making choices while being fully aware of all my emotions, my longing, being aware of my beliefs and being reasonable at that same time. I am grateful for this process, I have been able to grow as a woman, as a mother, and as a healer on all levels and all dimensions.